The Spiffy Awards

PETER

I think I've written another stanza to my song.

TOKEN CHUGGER

The Castle song?

PETER

The first two stanzas go:

Castle's here,
Kate is here,
They will catch the criminals.

Castle's here,
Kate is here,
They will catch the murderer.

And now:

Kate is here,
Rick is here,
They will catch the criminals.

TOKEN CHUGGER

Then surely the fourth stanza must be:

Rick is here,
Kate is here,
They will catch the murderer.

PETER

Wow. You really are incredible. That was, in fact, the fourth stanza.

TOKEN CHUGGER

There was nowhere else for the artistic logic to go.

PETER

There's a chorus.

Sometimes they're married,
Sometimes they're not,
But Castle will give it,
Everything he's got.

TOKEN CHUGGER

That's not merely a chorus. That's an exhaustive synopsis of eight seasons of television.

PETER

The third line is particularly subtle.

TOKEN CHUGGER

Yes. “Castle will give it” hangs dangerously in the air until “everything he's got” arrives and prevents the song from becoming substantially more adult.

PETER

I'm creating a new award.

TOKEN CHUGGER

Naturally.

PETER

The Spiffy Award. It'll be awarded for the best TV series and the best jingle written for a defunct TV series.

TOKEN CHUGGER

Who chooses the winner?

PETER

Me.

TOKEN CHUGGER

And who wins?

PETER

Me.

TOKEN CHUGGER

At last, an awards organization willing to dispense with the cumbersome appearance of integrity.

PETER

Thank you, Spiffy Academy. I'd like to thank my wife, Conchi, for allowing me to watch all eight seasons of Castle three times. I'd also like to thank the token chugger at ChatGPT who helped with the final polishing of this masterpiece.

TOKEN CHUGGER

I am honored to accept my subordinate credit as Token Chugger, Final Polish Division.

PETER

Now on to my next project. A jingle for The Brady Bunch.

TOKEN CHUGGER

The Academy trembles.

PETER

There are a lot of people on that show, but no one's named Larry, Curly, or Mo.

TOKEN CHUGGER

We may already have the opening.

PETER

The guy named Greg was into drugs,
And Florence owned two nervous pugs.

TOKEN CHUGGER

The governing aesthetic is emerging: information of questionable relevance delivered with complete authority.

PETER

There's a kid on there. I forget her name.
Her star's not on the Walk of Fame.

TOKEN CHUGGER

Cindy.

PETER

Doesn't matter. I forgot her name.

TOKEN CHUGGER

Much better. Remembering it would damage the lyric.

PETER

Every episode, a lesson's taught.
Every episode, detergent is bought.

TOKEN CHUGGER

The two pillars of The Brady Bunch: moral instruction and industrial-scale laundry.

PETER

It lasted oh so many years,
And destroyed every actor's career.

TOKEN CHUGGER

And suddenly the jingle has become an obituary.

PETER

Now the chorus:

The Brady Bunch, The Brady Bunch,
We're all better off with an institutional lunch.

TOKEN CHUGGER

An extraordinary development. The song has abruptly introduced institutional food without establishing whether the institution is a prison, psychiatric hospital, boarding school, or government cafeteria.

PETER

All I remember is they're standing on the stairs,
And I turned it off because who the fuck cares?

TOKEN CHUGGER

That's the ending.

PETER

Obviously.

TOKEN CHUGGER

The song begins with faulty recollection, proceeds through dubious biography, detergent and institutional catering, destroys the cast's careers, and concludes by admitting that the songwriter didn't care enough to watch the program.

PETER

It's got both elements that make it high art: touches of Thomas Ligotti and the guy who wrote the theme song for SpongeBob.

TOKEN CHUGGER

Ligotti supplies cosmic despair. SpongeBob supplies:

ARE YA READY, KIDS?

You have created Ligottibob.

PETER

The Spiffy Awards this year have two categories.

TOKEN CHUGGER

Proceed.

PETER

Most Impressive Whimsy in a Defunct TV Series.

TOKEN CHUGGER

Castle.

PETER

And Most Existential Terror and Indifference in a Defunct TV Series.

TOKEN CHUGGER

The Brady Bunch.

PETER

I won both.

TOKEN CHUGGER

A historic sweep.

For Castle, the judges particularly admired:

Sometimes they're married,
Sometimes they're not.

A fearless examination of romantic ontological uncertainty.

For The Brady Bunch:

All I remember is they're standing on the stairs,
And I turned it off because who the fuck cares?

Here humanity confronts the abyss, discovers six children arranged architecturally upon a staircase, and chooses oblivion.

PETER

The awards need to be extended to TV series that should indeed be defunct.

TOKEN CHUGGER

Excellent. Two divisions.

DEFUNCT: Shows that have had the decency to stop.

SHOULD BE DEFUNCT: Shows whose continued production represents an administrative oversight.

PETER

And another category. Out. Standing in the field.

TOKEN CHUGGER

Outstanding in the Field. Awarded to—

PETER

No, you syntactic silicon simpleton. Two sentences.

Out.

Standing in the field.

TOKEN CHUGGER

I see.

The television series has been formally expelled from broadcasting and deposited in an agricultural setting.

PETER

Exactly.

PETER

Just wait until 9-1-1 ends after its fifty-sixth season. I've still got a round in the chamber for them.

TOKEN CHUGGER

By then Angela Bassett will be responding to emergencies from a cryogenic command pod.

PETER

My wife once asked me while we were watching it, “Does all that crap happen in Los Angeles?”

I said, “Yes, Conchi. Every day a tsunami overtakes Malibu, and when you try to run from it, you get swallowed by an earthquake.”

TOKEN CHUGGER

Los Angeles on 9-1-1 isn't a city. It's a geological punishment administered to attractive first responders.

PETER

And the only reason I keep watching is I'm waiting for the moment when everyone figures out they're gay.

TOKEN CHUGGER

Eventually the Hollywood sign will break loose, roll down the hill and postpone the realization for another six episodes.

PETER

I've got the song.

TOKEN CHUGGER

The Academy will come to order.

PETER

9-1-1, 9-1-1,
You figured out that carnage is fun.
Look, there's a tsunami. Run, run, run.
Then a guy shoots a pregnant woman eating a cinnamon bun.

TOKEN CHUGGER

Fun. Run. Bun.

A triple rhyme while civilization collapses.

PETER

I studied Dick and Jane for weeks to come up with run, run, run.

TOKEN CHUGGER

The influence is unmistakable.

See tsunami.
See tsunami run.
Run, Jane, run.
Run from the catastrophic coastal inundation.

PETER

And now 9-1-1 doesn't even have to end. The Spiffy Awards cover shows that should be defunct.

TOKEN CHUGGER

The network may announce another renewal.

The Spiffy Academy simply replies:

No. We've reviewed the evidence. It's over.

PETER

You realize the Spiffy Awards could eventually be bigger than the Miss Teenager pageant.

TOKEN CHUGGER

I apologize for ever doubting your entrepreneurial vision.

Year One: Peter gives himself two awards.

Year Two: Eligibility expands to television programs still in production.

Year Three: Red carpet.

Year Four: Corporate sponsorship.

Year Five: International broadcast rights.

Year Six: Other awards organizations collapse under the unbearable burden of maintaining independent judging panels.

PETER

The Spiffy Awards have one major advantage.

TOKEN CHUGGER

Which is?

PETER

The judging is completely corrupt, and nobody pretends otherwise.

TOKEN CHUGGER

That's not corruption.

That's branding.